Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
