I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
