He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
