i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
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