I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
