I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
