The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
