i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Randomize
