Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
3 2 1 whiskey
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
