ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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