he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
