Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
