Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize