My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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