Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
