Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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