What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
