I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
