Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
