some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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