Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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