I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
