DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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