You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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