this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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