Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
