My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Everclear isn't food dammit
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
