Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
