I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
i now understand why vodka
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
