Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
