I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
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