chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
