Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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