Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
