One girl and one boy is just not enough.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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