ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
