Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
