The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
