i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
