i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
