True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
