life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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