Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
