I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize