dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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