Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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