I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize