fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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