i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
