oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
