Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
