This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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