it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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