I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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