After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
