Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
