So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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