Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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